I always hoped I would one day have children…

But..
I’m more than a little nervous about becoming a mother.

Of course, it’s going to happen any day now. I will love and cherish the little one (boy or girl) when it arrives. However, I’m already experiencing that notion of ‘mother’s guilt’ and the child’s not even here yet. After ruminating over what is causing such a feeling I realize it is the fact that I will always be in doubt about whether I’m a good enough mother.

Many women experience antenatal depression where they can’t stop crying and want to stay in bed all day, I’m definitely not in that category but I do have some unanswered questions that plague me daily. In general will there be situations that come up that I simply don’t know how to handle? And more imminently, have I stocked up on everything I need for the new arrival?

There really are no clear answers to these questions and only time will tell how prepared I am both now and in the future and ultimately these feelings could fade or they could potentially be magnified as postnatal hormones and anxieties take over.

It will only be when I have this baby in my arms that I may or may not find the answers.

Perhaps it’ll become clearer as I adjust to living with a tiny newborn. But the main thing is my anxieties are contained and not spiralling out of control. Which is why, a few weeks from my due date, I feel as though I’m having some sort of epiphany. I’ve been on an incredible journey through pregnancy which in some ways included a sense of grieving for my previous life… the lighthearted, untroubled life of a happy-go-lucky spirit living in a foreign land and just enjoying the adventures that life throws her way. But I think it’s been symbolic that in the past nine months everything has fallen into place from finding the ideal space for our Yoga studio, finding our ideal house to raise our baby in, and the massive changes having strengthened the bond between Mum and Dad who managed to become Mr and Mrs in time for the little one’s arrival.

Life will never be the same again. But this is something I realized early on in my pregnancy, I’d already been through a massive change by deciding to leave Australia and return to the UK. And whereas my previous life’s passions included an unlimited ability to travel, to do further study courses wherever and whenever I felt like it, and to live in lots of different places with lots of different people, my new life was already centring around the commitments of running a business, owning a house and being in one place for the foreseeable future… I was already preparing myself for the selfless service of motherhood!

So over the next few weeks I’m going to focus on the many advantages of motherhood. On a personal note as well as a general one, for example I am sure that right now is the right time for me personally, and also for Jesse. We’ve read some interesting articles on the downsides of parenthood and some candid stories from people who admit they regretted it. I think like all of life’s experiences it is different for everyone. And, ultimately, the conclusion I’ve come to – the real crux of the matter – is that it’s about learning to cope with the ambivalence of being a parent in whatever way and whatever manner works best for you.

So I want to hear from you!

I know without a doubt some of you lovely readers will understand exactly what I’m going through, what emotions did you experience towards the end of your pregnancies and how did you feel once your baby was born? I hope you enjoyed an incredible pregnancy journey and were able to celebrate the intensity of love and joy when your baby was born.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Lx